so a couple hours ago, i was preparing myself for the rest of my life.  knowing it won't be pretty everyday, i had some kinda courage and strength.  i was thinking, "dad, maybe now's the time when i flip things around and work twice as hard but will not grow weary.  i will fulfill my purpose here." 

and just as i walked out of the hotel, i feared for the rest of my life.  thinking, "what the hell are you doing mel?  ur gonna die.  u have a powerful God, but u don't have the faith.  ur not believing for a second that u'll be ok."

i desperately listened for words of wisdom in my music, and for the first time, i didn't find it.  i've heard all those words before and they were therapeutic once upon a time, but this time, i wanted more.  something that only perhaps my Father can give me, but my fear exceeds my faith so i can't find anything.

this fear is causing me to revisit all my pains and there's nothing more i want right now than to be on flight AC38, going home.  please give me hope. please give me strength.  please tell me that i'm not alone.  i have to be here, but i will not win if i'm here with a downtrodden heart. 

i asked for this.  i knew i would be hurting... just didn't think it would come so soon. 

here's to the wounded and afraid "if u never try, u'll never know just what ur worth".  fix you, coldplay. 

i'm all heart, baby.  i'm all heart.  i'm being fixed...  i have to believe with every bit of me that i am. 

i'm back in shanghai.

for a while, i needed to know if i was ready to take on the world alone.  my whole life, i've been looked after, had my road ahead of me all paved.  now that i look back, the most difficult moments in my life were not the exams, the interviews, the hard labour... they were times when i struggled in spiritual warfare.  fighting against my emotions and not letting them detere me away from running down the righteous path.  the path of true joy, peace and love.

sometimes u hurt so bad that u just wanna give up and give in.  as much as i'm going to fail to do so, for now i'll say that i will not stand down.  i will battle through this age and live not just my life but do what i'm set out to do.  i have lives to change, nations to move.  my Father wills me to love.  i've always had these epiphanys where i realise it's not about me, but it's about my Father and his children... but soon after, i'd fall back into the groove of loving myself, and myself only.  i'm ready now.

my job and my career: it's not my life.  it's my gateway to loving the corporate people who search and search for things that will never get them where they want.  i am the branch that reaches far out to touch the lost leaves who will someday taste the love of my Father.  they need to know. 

i also need to know that you will support me.  i need to know that i can lean on my Father especially when i can't stand anymore.  opening ur heart is the most difficult thing to do because u make urself vulnerable to the greatest tragedies in your heart.  but i'm ready now.  i'm ready to love and to hurt. 

so for starters, i'm gonna shower, put on my headphones and grab a lunch outside.  i'll come home, dress myself up in the armour of God and head to work.  my heart and prayers run with you.  i love you more than you know.  here's to the world:  i'm comin after you.

pray also for me, that whenever i open my mouth, words may be given me so that i will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which i am an ambassador in chains.  pray that i may declare it fearlessly, as i should. -ephesians 6:19

feeling the total 'meh' now:  realising ur not over some things when u thought u were... or being afraid of losing things that u r trying to hold on to... so ur only sure chance of escaping pain is to run away... and that's what i'll do on monday morning. 

i just got nothin left to give. 

there's an elephant waiting in my bed but if it were up to me, i'd prefer a smeegle.